Godzilla x Kong isn’t a movie, it’s a pro wrestling match

I’m going to level with you: Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire might be the stupidest movie I’ve ever seen. Not the worst movie (that would be Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2), but very possibly the most absurd. I’m ashamed to tell my mother I saw it, for fear of a lecture about how she did not raise a dummy, and did not break her back putting me through school so I could sit through the giant-monkey-and-lizard movie, for money. But unfortunately for her (love you, Mom) she did put me through school to watch the giant-monkey-and-lizard movie, for money. So I did watch the stupid thing. And you know what? I’d do it again.

Godzilla x Kong (yes, it’s styled like that, like a streetwear collab) is beyond “good” or “bad” or “movies.” It’s an arena show, a pro wrestler shouting in the squared circle, thumping their chest and raising the jumbotron hype meter before doing their signature move. Through brutally efficient pacing that minimizes what the script doesn’t care about (people, mostly) and maximizes what it does (giant monsters doing wrestling moves), it constantly eschews connection in favor of escalation. It’s an achievement in absurd spectacle, a comically silly way to spend $135 million. I hope Warner Bros. keeps burning money this way.

This is the fifth movie in the MonsterVerse franchise, but The New Empire gets viewers up to speed immediately. The world has gotten weird since the events of 2021’s Godzilla vs. Kong. The Earth? She’s hollow, hiding an entire ecosystem of massive monsters. King Kong lives there now, and he’s lonely, longing for the company of other giant apes. Godzilla has become something of a roving protector of the planet, roaming the surface to destructively take on other, more destructive monsters (dubbed “Titans”), then pausing for naps in the Colosseum.

Godzilla still can’t stand Kong, but with Kong inside the Hollow Earth and Godzilla ruling its surface, a strange sort of balance is reached.

Image: Warner Bros. Pictures

So Godzilla x Kong uses incredibly contrived means to throw that balance into peril, bouncing between three parallel narrative tracks. (Calling them “stories” feels like a stretch.)

1. Something has Godzilla in a strange mood, causing him to travel the globe in search of massive amounts of radiation to power him up.
2. Kong, in Hollow Earth, searches for apes like him and finds a hidden enclave under the iron grip of another ape called Skar, who has designs on escaping to dominate the surface world.
3. A small band of humans led by Dr. Ilene Andrews (Rebecca Hall) launches an expedition into Hollow Earth to find the source of psychic visions from Jia (Kaylee Hottle), Andrews’ adopted daughter and Kong’s only human friend.

Spending much more time on The New Empire’s plot feels farcical, as the script, credited to Terry Rossio, Simon Barrett, and Jeremy Slater, really does not dwell on any of these beats. The narrative is functional, and barely so, with characters blurting exposition and suddenly finding whatever inspiration is necessary for the next plot beat. The monsters are the point here, and director Adam Wingard really takes his time with them. Particularly Kong — the only character in the movie who has a real, honest-to-Ghidorah arc.

Kong gets to have so many experiences in this film. He has his first dental procedure, courtesy of an absolutely loony Dan Stevens as a Titan vet named Trapper. He befriends a tiny (for him) ape with an attitude. He finds community; he patches things up with a former nemesis. It’s quite touching, really, though it’s all very loud.

Photo: Daniel McFadden/Warner Bros. Pictures

After the bombastic yet pretty traditional Godzilla vs. Kong, Wingard’s sequel really feels like he’s letting its hair down, dropping any and all pretense that his movies are coming from the same place as Gareth Edwards’ more grounded, awestruck 2014 Godzilla. In some ways, this is clarifying. Instead of occupying the wobbly middle ground between disaster epic and environmental fable, like previous films in this series, Wingard’s new approach is simple. With The New Empire, he asks: Do you, on a deep spiritual level, need to see Godzilla suplex King Kong?

At this juncture, Legendary Pictures’ MonsterVerse has become the anti-cinematic universe: It isn’t building to anything, it’s just kinda screwing around. Sure, there is an accumulation of lore and characters, a roughly traceable history of this alternate Earth where monsters exist among us, but it’s all trivia, and beside the point.

Perhaps there was a moment early on when the franchise producers were attempting to cobble together a grand narrative. But with Wingard’s twin team-up movies, the franchise is now something more like improv, a yes–and take on kaiju battles. Yes, Godzilla and Kong exist in the same world, and the Earth is hollow and full of monsters, and there’s an ancient threat and indigenous people down there, and Godzilla and Kong will put aside their differences to combat it.

Image: Warner Bros. Pictures

Part of what makes The New Empire’s foolish bombast so palatable, even desirable, is that Wingard and his many collaborators — especially the massive number of digital artists whose work comprises the bulk of the film — have made this film during a Godzilla boom. It’s easier to accept its WrestleMania-style antics when the gripping drama of Godzilla Minus One is still in the rearview, and Apple TV Plus’ Monarch: Legacy of Monsters can shore up the human side of things that the MonsterVerse movies are wholly uninterested in.

Whether by design or by accident, The New Empire has taken on the tonal whiplash and inventive glee that the original Japanese Godzilla films became known for. Godzilla x Kong is a true successor to the late-Showa era of Toho’s classic films, a big silly throwdown that subs out rubber suits in favor of Hollywood pixels, upping the scale considerably. (Unfortunately, this sacrifices visual clarity and style — The New Empire’s creatures do incredible things, but unlike in Godzilla vs. Kong, they are not presented in memorable ways.) Wingard’s weakest points come when he hews to blockbuster convention — but those moments are also the funniest ones.

It is deeply amusing, seeing these giant animated nonverbal monsters bellowing through the major plot beats of many big franchise blockbusters. It says something, I think, about how silly they are, how empty of meaning. And how, maybe, the only way they can be any good is if they abandon all pretense at storytelling, and just play to the stands.

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire opens in theaters on March 29.